day 01: weirdly full

Omg, the breakfast was delicious but soooo filing! I had to force myself to basically eat everything. I think it might have something to do with the morning cocktail I had to drink or maybe not… but Jesus! And I have a snack in 2 hours.

This might be easier than I thought…

The snack was good. It was a chocolate oatmeal bar; I left it in the fridge so it did get a bit hard but other than that still delicious!

The lemon ground turkey with rice was ABSOLUTELY AWESOME! So much flavor and I loved the punch of the lemon and spices. I even gave my monkey some--one of the pickiest eaters I know (though he's slowly eating more things)--and he even liked it.

The afternoon snack of the chicken fruit bowl was delicious as well. Their meat is so tender and lean and so flavorful! I can't get over how good the food is.

I'm excited for dinner :) And the first p90x workout is tonight. My muscles will be on fire!

 Thinking thin,

-Cartrat

from fat to fit: day 00

so i know this blog has been a little randomly epileptic--from a cosplay diary to a weight-loss diary to an angry diary to a regular diary back to a cosplay diary...

but now we're back to a weight-loss diary! haha

well it's the new year and once again, i've made the resolution to lose weight... again...

only this time i really need it...

i was a good 130-135 lbs consistently from my sophomore year in college until i graduated in august 2010. since going into the real world, working, partying, stressing out, etc. adding onto having a sedentary lifestyle and doing some happy-eating with a new boyfriend, i gained a good 15 lbs.

150 lbs ladies and gentlemen.

i don't feel so bad. he has gained 30 lbs since meeting me so i'm not alone!

call it happy weight, lazy weight, whatever... i'm not happy with the way i look; and the looks my mom gives me when i come home every holiday isn't one of being proud. although my sweet monkey of a boyfriend still loves me and tells me how beautiful i am, i know i can look better and FEEL better.

because i have!

when i worked out with my personal trainer, arnold, once upon a time, he wanted me at 118 lbs. and so that's where i want to get to.

i'm getting help from my local my fit foods store located in most metropolises of texas. they serve FRESH, organic portioned meals to people wanting to change their eating habits as well as maintain them. they have a 21-day program where they set up a meal plan for you based on your goals. mine of course is weight-loss and just be in good health all around. i spent a good portion of my bonus money so now i'm $500 poorer and i think putting in this investment is just the swift kick in the ass i need to get onto getting healthier and skinnier.

tomorrow is the big day. i've made my calories count up until now; i've indulged in pizza, pasta, bread, hamburgers, breakfast tacos, sushi, alcohol... the works! for the whole 21 days, i have to eat whatever food is planned from MFF (breakfast--snack--lunch--snack--dinner), abstain from caffeine and alcohol under every circumstance (even when i get to have my cheat meal), drink a shit ton of water (this is coming from a chick who doesn't like to drink water or anything with no taste for that matter), take a lot of supplements, drink an energy concoction in the mornings as well as do p90x with the monkey.

i'm hoping to get down to that 118 lbs so that means i would have to lose 32 lbs. i understand i'm a woman so the weight might not come off as easily as i would like to think but i'm gonna try my damnedest because $500 is a big chunk out of my bank account lol. plus i'm young so i'd like to think the odds are for me ^_^;; but if i stick to the straight and narrow, workout when p90x schedules me to and eat only what is planned for me on MFF, i think i can lose a substantial amount. i would like to average 3-5 lbs a week. crossing my fingers.

if these 21 days prove successful to me, i will do the program again until i reach my desired weight and look.

oh yeah, and here is my motivation:

fail.

here we go!

Well you know what? Fuck you! Fuck you for thinking I'm mad all the time. It doesn't help me get better at all to think I'm still on your ass or that I ever was! It's not just me, don't think you can get away with that! Go to hell!

Why did you get on the defensive so fast, huh? You're probably guilty of something. Flirting with someone else? Yeah, you don't really love me. You don't know what fucking love is. You don't know a damned thing, you asshole.

Go fuck yourself!

I can feel it inside me.

Almost like a crushing feeling on my heart, a shortness of breath, discomfort in my stomach.

What is he doing? Is he really ignoring me, talking to someone else? Another woman? Do I annoy you?

I'm playing it cool. At least I think I am. You fake it 'til you make it, right?

We're going to be talking together for a while, why don't I give you a name? How about Love? It's quite a feeling; can make you feel the best you've ever felt as well as the worst, it's understanding, all knowing, beautiful, kind... if used in the right way. But this is right, right? I don't know how long I'll be here but you'll be my crutch until then. You're the only one I can depend on and trust. You'll be the only one I can talk to. Everyone else is tired of hearing it, doesn't understand or I'm just plain ashamed of sharing my innermost thoughts. 

I feel like I want to cry right now. But for what? Why? Because he won't talk to me? 

What do you think, Love?

Look at me, this entry is all questions. It mirrors the uncertainty I feel. Why can't I just take the plunge? Why can't I just go all the way with this? I know I'm only trusting with half of the trust in me. I've been hurt so much before because I was so trusting. People can be so evil...

But where there is bad, there is good. It's the duality of the universe: darkness and light, good and evil, right and wrong...

I know he's good, I know deep down inside he is. But it's like there's a devil inside my head telling me, "maybe he's not..." How do I rid of him, Love?

I know it's not fair to him, but I don't want to leave him. I want to trust. I want to trust so so badly. Why is it so hard?

He's so blase about everything. Like nothing can upset him or nothing will be taken seriously. It's annoying yet admirable. 

He thinks I'm a big fucking ogress just waiting to explode; a ticking time-bomb. He left his phone... did you do it on purpose?

Only time will tell.

Goodbye for now, Love.

Why are you being so short with me? It feels like you're sneaking around the bush to not tell me something. Please, please don't be afraid...

I'm sorry.

This is all my fault...

I know he loves me,

But screw her! Of course I knew, I JUST KNEW IT! I knew she was trying to wriggle her way in between us.

Why is this happening? Why are all these exes just going after his dick all of a sudden? Do they not see how he's in a relationship? Even if we weren't happy, it's the principle of the matter. Why would you want to steal someone else's man? It's just against the law of feminism. Don't these women have any values or principles or ethics or... BRAINS?

I know I'm not one to talk. But I've been through it and learned that I never want to do it again. It's a shitty feeling once it happens and then everything you work for--the taken man, the affair, the sex--doesn't matter anymore... You don't want it anymore. You just want to run away and hide and never come out again. Even though HE'S the asshole since he's the married one, you still feel so ashamed and embarrassed and dirty and impure... so why, why would you want to put yourself through that?

BACK OFF BITCHES!

I know he loves me. I just hate how he forgets to tell me... I know he has a good heart and doesn't want to hurt me, but maybe I'm just upset that he doesn't get it. He doesn't think they're trying to do bad. God, I wish I could see the good in people like he does.

Sigh... maybe I should take lessons from him. Maybe then I'll be a better person.

So I haven’t heard from him for a couple of hours today but… I’m doing okay.

Yeah, I’ve probably overloaded him and smothered him ‘til now. He’s probably basking in the sweet serenity and peacefulness of my silence. Maybe he’s talking to some other girl, probably after he texted her saying he changed his number and she’s all “omg, how ARE you? AHAHAHAHA! Will you come over one day and fuck me?” Seriously, every girl in his phone I swear he’s done something with. He says he didn’t give any of his exes his number (including Brittany) but I feel like he’ll have a “nice guy” spell and eventually share it.

So who cares about how I feel.

Maybe Jen will be first… then Brittany.

Speaking of her Jen facebooked him… maybe it’s just me but who does that with guy friends? Maybe I’m heartless and cold and can just easily leave people behind in my past where they belong—including my ex-boyfriend of 4 years.

That’s just me.

I did it for him… so why is it so hard to do it for me?

Whatever.

Hopefully if I can keep this silence up longer and just take a couple of steps back, he’ll desire me again. For now, I’m just going to shut up about my insecurities. I’m sure it gets annoying for someone to be on you all the time: “do you still love me?”, “what’s wrong?”, “did I do something?”, “are you okay? You’re not talking…”

Blah.

How did I become this?

He’s probably having more fun with Adam and Jose than he ever could with me. I fucking hate Adam, such a weasel of a man. I don’t know why but I get this feeling he’s sleazy and would try something to hurt Klay. And I fucking hate how he wants to go hunting with this dude. You don’t go hunting with someone unless you’re serious about the friendship. Of course I do have my friends whom Klay doesn’t care for so I share my feelings, but I let him do what he wants, as he does with me.

I can't remember the last time he's given me flowers or surprises or anything... already he's so comfortable. I guess that's good...

Maybe I should just stop caring altogether. Yeah, you want to go out for the third night in a row without me? Go ahead. It’ll be like I’m single again and just have a male roommate. It was awful lonely being single, but I feel like that anyway sometimes. I know I should let him go out but maybe my fear is that it’ll become more frequent until it gets to that point where we’re not even one anymore.

He does have a track record of cheating and getting tired of girlfriends…

He should be staying home the rest of this week, only because I’m making him take antibiotics which you cannot drink while on. So, yeah Courtney, take it in, he’s going to get his fill of you and then BAM! He’ll be racing to get out of the house and avoid coming home and be as late as possible.

Try to work on putting a switch on your feeling--on, off, on, off--maybe then life would be easier.