despite seeing through the lies and then pretending they are true

day 01: weirdly full

2012-01-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

Omg, the breakfast was delicious but soooo filing! I had to force myself to basically eat everything. I think it might have something to do with the morning cocktail I had to drink or maybe not… but Jesus! And I have a snack in 2 hours.

This might be easier than I thought…

The snack was good. It was a chocolate oatmeal bar; I left it in the fridge so it did get a bit hard but other than that still delicious!

The lemon ground turkey with rice was ABSOLUTELY AWESOME! So much flavor and I loved the punch of the lemon and spices. I even gave my monkey some--one of the pickiest eaters I know (though he's slowly eating more things)--and he even liked it.

The afternoon snack of the chicken fruit bowl was delicious as well. Their meat is so tender and lean and so flavorful! I can't get over how good the food is.

I'm excited for dinner :) And the first p90x workout is tonight. My muscles will be on fire!

Thinking thin,

-Cartrat

from fat to fit: day 00

2012-01-08T22:07:00.001-06:00

so i know this blog has been a little randomly epileptic--from a cosplay diary to a weight-loss diary to an angry diary to a regular diary back to a cosplay diary...

but now we're back to a weight-loss diary! haha

well it's the new year and once again, i've made the resolution to lose weight... again...

only this time i really need it...

i was a good 130-135 lbs consistently from my sophomore year in college until i graduated in august 2010. since going into the real world, working, partying, stressing out, etc. adding onto having a sedentary lifestyle and doing some happy-eating with a new boyfriend, i gained a good 15 lbs.

150 lbs ladies and gentlemen.

i don't feel so bad. he has gained 30 lbs since meeting me so i'm not alone!

call it happy weight, lazy weight, whatever... i'm not happy with the way i look; and the looks my mom gives me when i come home every holiday isn't one of being proud. although my sweet monkey of a boyfriend still loves me and tells me how beautiful i am, i know i can look better and FEEL better.

because i have!

when i worked out with my personal trainer, arnold, once upon a time, he wanted me at 118 lbs. and so that's where i want to get to.

i'm getting help from my local my fit foods store located in most metropolises of texas. they serve FRESH, organic portioned meals to people wanting to change their eating habits as well as maintain them. they have a 21-day program where they set up a meal plan for you based on your goals. mine of course is weight-loss and just be in good health all around. i spent a good portion of my bonus money so now i'm $500 poorer and i think putting in this investment is just the swift kick in the ass i need to get onto getting healthier and skinnier.

tomorrow is the big day. i've made my calories count up until now; i've indulged in pizza, pasta, bread, hamburgers, breakfast tacos, sushi, alcohol... the works! for the whole 21 days, i have to eat whatever food is planned from MFF (breakfast--snack--lunch--snack--dinner), abstain from caffeine and alcohol under every circumstance (even when i get to have my cheat meal), drink a shit ton of water (this is coming from a chick who doesn't like to drink water or anything with no taste for that matter), take a lot of supplements, drink an energy concoction in the mornings as well as do p90x with the monkey.

i'm hoping to get down to that 118 lbs so that means i would have to lose 32 lbs. i understand i'm a woman so the weight might not come off as easily as i would like to think but i'm gonna try my damnedest because $500 is a big chunk out of my bank account lol. plus i'm young so i'd like to think the odds are for me ^_^;; but if i stick to the straight and narrow, workout when p90x schedules me to and eat only what is planned for me on MFF, i think i can lose a substantial amount. i would like to average 3-5 lbs a week. crossing my fingers.

if these 21 days prove successful to me, i will do the program again until i reach my desired weight and look.

oh yeah, and here is my motivation:

fail.

here we go!

2011-11-02T16:16:00.000-05:00

Well you know what? Fuck you! Fuck you for thinking I'm mad all the time. It doesn't help me get better at all to think I'm still on your ass or that I ever was! It's not just me, don't think you can get away with that! Go to hell!

Why did you get on the defensive so fast, huh? You're probably guilty of something. Flirting with someone else? Yeah, you don't really love me. You don't know what fucking love is. You don't know a damned thing, you asshole.

Go fuck yourself!

2011-11-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

I can feel it inside me.

Almost like a crushing feeling on my heart, a shortness of breath, discomfort in my stomach.

What is he doing? Is he really ignoring me, talking to someone else? Another woman? Do I annoy you?

I'm playing it cool. At least I think I am. You fake it 'til you make it, right?

We're going to be talking together for a while, why don't I give you a name? How about Love? It's quite a feeling; can make you feel the best you've ever felt as well as the worst, it's understanding, all knowing, beautiful, kind... if used in the right way. But this is right, right? I don't know how long I'll be here but you'll be my crutch until then. You're the only one I can depend on and trust. You'll be the only one I can talk to. Everyone else is tired of hearing it, doesn't understand or I'm just plain ashamed of sharing my innermost thoughts.

I feel like I want to cry right now. But for what? Why? Because he won't talk to me?

What do you think, Love?

Look at me, this entry is all questions. It mirrors the uncertainty I feel. Why can't I just take the plunge? Why can't I just go all the way with this? I know I'm only trusting with half of the trust in me. I've been hurt so much before because I was so trusting. People can be so evil...

But where there is bad, there is good. It's the duality of the universe: darkness and light, good and evil, right and wrong...

I know he's good, I know deep down inside he is. But it's like there's a devil inside my head telling me, "maybe he's not..." How do I rid of him, Love?

I know it's not fair to him, but I don't want to leave him. I want to trust. I want to trust so so badly. Why is it so hard?

He's so blase about everything. Like nothing can upset him or nothing will be taken seriously. It's annoying yet admirable.

He thinks I'm a big fucking ogress just waiting to explode; a ticking time-bomb. He left his phone... did you do it on purpose?

Only time will tell.

Goodbye for now, Love.

2011-11-02T14:43:00.000-05:00

Why are you being so short with me? It feels like you're sneaking around the bush to not tell me something. Please, please don't be afraid...

I'm sorry.

This is all my fault...

2011-11-02T09:33:00.000-05:00

I know he loves me,

But screw her! Of course I knew, I JUST KNEW IT! I knew she was trying to wriggle her way in between us.

Why is this happening? Why are all these exes just going after his dick all of a sudden? Do they not see how he's in a relationship? Even if we weren't happy, it's the principle of the matter. Why would you want to steal someone else's man? It's just against the law of feminism. Don't these women have any values or principles or ethics or... BRAINS?

I know I'm not one to talk. But I've been through it and learned that I never want to do it again. It's a shitty feeling once it happens and then everything you work for--the taken man, the affair, the sex--doesn't matter anymore... You don't want it anymore. You just want to run away and hide and never come out again. Even though HE'S the asshole since he's the married one, you still feel so ashamed and embarrassed and dirty and impure... so why, why would you want to put yourself through that?

BACK OFF BITCHES!

I know he loves me. I just hate how he forgets to tell me... I know he has a good heart and doesn't want to hurt me, but maybe I'm just upset that he doesn't get it. He doesn't think they're trying to do bad. God, I wish I could see the good in people like he does.

Sigh... maybe I should take lessons from him. Maybe then I'll be a better person.

2011-10-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

So I haven’t heard from him for a couple of hours today but… I’m doing okay.

Yeah, I’ve probably overloaded him and smothered him ‘til now. He’s probably basking in the sweet serenity and peacefulness of my silence. Maybe he’s talking to some other girl, probably after he texted her saying he changed his number and she’s all “omg, how ARE you? AHAHAHAHA! Will you come over one day and fuck me?” Seriously, every girl in his phone I swear he’s done something with. He says he didn’t give any of his exes his number (including Brittany) but I feel like he’ll have a “nice guy” spell and eventually share it.

So who cares about how I feel.

Maybe Jen will be first… then Brittany.

Speaking of her Jen facebooked him… maybe it’s just me but who does that with guy friends? Maybe I’m heartless and cold and can just easily leave people behind in my past where they belong—including my ex-boyfriend of 4 years.

That’s just me.

I did it for him… so why is it so hard to do it for me?

Whatever.

Hopefully if I can keep this silence up longer and just take a couple of steps back, he’ll desire me again. For now, I’m just going to shut up about my insecurities. I’m sure it gets annoying for someone to be on you all the time: “do you still love me?”, “what’s wrong?”, “did I do something?”, “are you okay? You’re not talking…”

Blah.

How did I become this?

He’s probably having more fun with Adam and Jose than he ever could with me. I fucking hate Adam, such a weasel of a man. I don’t know why but I get this feeling he’s sleazy and would try something to hurt Klay. And I fucking hate how he wants to go hunting with this dude. You don’t go hunting with someone unless you’re serious about the friendship. Of course I do have my friends whom Klay doesn’t care for so I share my feelings, but I let him do what he wants, as he does with me.

I can't remember the last time he's given me flowers or surprises or anything... already he's so comfortable. I guess that's good...

Maybe I should just stop caring altogether. Yeah, you want to go out for the third night in a row without me? Go ahead. It’ll be like I’m single again and just have a male roommate. It was awful lonely being single, but I feel like that anyway sometimes. I know I should let him go out but maybe my fear is that it’ll become more frequent until it gets to that point where we’re not even one anymore.

He does have a track record of cheating and getting tired of girlfriends…

He should be staying home the rest of this week, only because I’m making him take antibiotics which you cannot drink while on. So, yeah Courtney, take it in, he’s going to get his fill of you and then BAM! He’ll be racing to get out of the house and avoid coming home and be as late as possible.

Try to work on putting a switch on your feeling--on, off, on, off--maybe then life would be easier.

2011-10-28T16:00:00.000-05:00

It’s crazy…

He says he’s watching a movie, not working, so why didn’t you want to come home?

He says he’ll be home at 4:30, but I don’t believe you…

Whose fault is that?

You’ve done it before…

Why don’t you want to come home to me?

Even though you eventually do, it feels like you try your hardest to come home as late as possible because you like being away from me.

It’s not that I think you’re with other girls, it just that I feel like I don’t have your heart anymore.

You’re not as excited about me anymore.

You don’t like me as much anymore.

Yes I’m selfish. I don’t want to share you with anyone. They all just want to take you away. And me, I’ll take care of you. You only need me and I only need you.

But I know that’s stupid and irrational.

I need to become the girl you fell in love with again,

Sexy… smart… laid-back… comfortable… mellow…

Happy

I hate how I’ve become. I hate this anger that envelops me every time I read your texts.

“I’m going to be later than I said…”

FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

I know you still love me… I do.

It’s like a plant that just keeps growing and I can do nothing to stop it.

But I am, I’m trying. So so so hard…

It hurts how hard I try.

But I’ll do it for you. Always.

I’ll be her again, I promise. I’ll be that girl that you fell in love with.

You’ll send me conversation killers,

“haha”

“yes”

“okay lol”

do you not want to talk to me? I try to see if he does and I’ll say,

“okay have a good day…”

“thanks baby!”

…my heart drops

it breaks

maybe I did this to myself. Maybe I drove him to this. Maybe this is my entire fault.

I find myself thinking… or rather knowing that I love him more than he loves me.

I was unattainable at first, he couldn’t believe that we were together. He would bring me out around all his friends, he was so proud.

But now he leaves me alone at home so much.

It’s worn off, gone… the enchantment has fizzled.

He has me now, what else is there?

I’m so easy.

The surprises and gifts were touching: flowers, candy, beautiful facebook messages telling me how much you love me and how lucky you are.

And now…

“hey I’m going out without you, talk to you later. I’ll be home at 8… no wait 10… no… soon I hope… I don’t know.”

Nothing.

How long has it been since we’ve gone out… you and me?

I know it’s because of money but… it’s only money right?

Yeah I understand. Your beautiful, smart, cool girlfriend has turned psychotic, controlling and fat. Why would you want to bring her around anymore?

Maybe the honeymoon period has run its course for him.

I do feel unappreciated at times.

Is this my fault?

love and sex and magic

2011-02-24T21:15:00.003-06:00

ahhhhhh! finally got the internetz yesterday @__@ i wasn't going as crazy as i usually do but it was annoying having to use my phone for everything. so now i'm back :D

played golf with a horrid hangover saturday and still shot an 87. holy crap, that was amazing. i gotta get my game up so that when i go on the l&b manly golf outing, i'll kick ass. :p

the promotion talk is slowly evolving. i talked to another director in the department and she was totally for it. but she kept telling me to talk to eric... the last person i would ever want to talk to -____-;;; but if you want something done (at all), do it yourself. so i did... and he says he supports my efforts. i hope he's not lying, 'cause i know he's very, VERY capable of it. this is a career step in the balance and if he does anything to fuck with me on this, i will make his life hell...

he texted me after we talked and i could tell he got a bit sexual in some of his messages. my friends told me to make it clear that i want to be completely professional and just sweep whatever we had under the rug. but something in me is telling me not to... yet. i feel like i gotta keep up with what i'm doing now--harmlessly flirting and the like--to keep him baited and then exact my revenge somehow. i'm doing it for myself and his stupid wife. i call her stupid because she hasn't left the asshole. sure he's the father of her kids, but with as many times as i've heard that he's cheated on her (and even got caught once!), his ass should've been alone a longgg time ago. although i do believe that he loves her and is in love with her, she's not special enough for him to keep his dick in his pants.

and guess what: it's another mommy issue! he hates his mom and i believe he takes out his anger for her on women. it's like a serial killer who specifically targets women for his "indulgences," due to some sordid relationship with his mom whether she abandoned or abused him. though eric isn't that crazy and just uses good old sex... to exert dominance and punish and degrade... for all the hell his mom put him through.

but i digress :)

so now his power has just turned into a weakness. and i shall keep up with the witty banter and flirtatiousness so that it'll be that much better when i shoot him down >) buwahahahahaha!

my facebook horoscopes have been eerily correct lately. i go to merrill to inquire about a start date and she kind of gets onto me (as nice as she could) about jumping the gun and slowing down. i mean i apologized and told her i just got excited and she was fine about it; she told me that she liked the enthusiasm and i got the pot stirring. so then i go on facebook that day and the horoscope posted was, "you deserve a raise, but now's not the time to ask for it." FUCK YOU, YOU HOR!!!!! GOD!! I REALLY COULD'VE USED THAT INFORMATION SOOOOOOONERRRRR!!

stupid horoscope...

the other time, my horo said, "people you've been thinking about for the past few weeks will suddenly get in touch..." and lo and behold, laura garcia fbs me and i get a text from jenna montgomery; people whom i haven't talked to in years or months @____@ crazyyyyy.

starting a strict workout regime: working out twice a day on mondays, wednesdays and fridays and only once tuesdays and thursdays--cardio days for short. and the weekends are up in the air. i still want to eat what i want and look good naked. i will sometimes keep track on my calories but of course i haven't been good about it -____-;;; guhhh

saw colin again last night. got drunk on wine and played poker with spoons lol it was great fun :) <3

alright, i'm tired of typing. g'night!

"what a nice dog. what's its name?"
"herpes. if she's good, she'll heel."

let the control begin

2011-02-09T18:32:00.005-06:00

ahhhh i hate snowwwww!!! we had all of last week off (besides monday) due to snow and ice. and just when i used to going back to work, we're off AGAIN. any other time in my life, i would have been rejoicing but... now i'm just bored and feel useless to society. -_-;;

and it better stop by friday. moving into my new apartment!! :D yay!! so excited. and i'm only 30 seconds away from work. that can only mean one thing: MORE SLEEP!

superbowl concerts were hella fun. never taking a percocet again though. but i will admit, that was probably one of the best ralphs i've ever had. i gauge those based on how sick i feel beforehand and how great i feel after i throw up. i felt so great after, i went on to eat my burger king burger and fries soon after. and then my pants ended up on the living room floor...

i've noticed my clothes fitting a bit tighter than usual. i just hate having that feeling of denial, "oh, it's been in the cold for the past few weeks and IT shrunk! i'm not the one that got bigger!"

good one, court -_-

so i decided to keep up a food journal like i had when i was working with arnold. i'm setting my daily caloric intake to a 1200 calories. and guess what: i got to 1,191 calories by LUNCH! holy effing shit!! and i know had i not recorded anything down, i would have freaking ate a whole pad thai meal and thought, "meh, i only took in 1300 calories today..." but really that was putting me at about 1800 to 2000 calories a day. and i would drink a few times a week on top of that. you never realize how much you're eating until you start paying attention.

though i did make it to the gym today, post-workout munchies are hitting me hard and i've decided to go ahead and eat dinner. as well as i did with arnold, i'm swearing off carbs after 3 p.m. i'm thinking about a soy paper sushi roll with some edamame and miso soup :) no carbs in that, right?

i feel a promotion is in the works for me soon. i've been doing a bunch of work for casey and word on the street is that he doesn't like to way his current assistant does things. so i've been pushing casey to steal me away lol. i wouldn't mind being an administrative assistant, as long as i get paid a little bit more money (as well as have a boss that isn't crazy; i love judie but i swear she's on crack) so i won't have to still rely on my parents to basically live semi-comfortably. though, he does work in the same department as eric; actually, he works FOR eric. so casey has to go through him in order to request me basically. i'm hoping eric doesn't have anything against me to pigeon-hole the idea. i don't know if that's a good or bad thing if he does... i don't know if he still likes me or not... or if he even liked me in the first place. i find myself going back and forth between wondering if he still wants me or if i've had enough of him. i don't know why i care so much. i can't help but feeling i did something. but i know i didn't... i can't help but have this fear that if i get moved up, the next receptionist to replace me will be this cute girl and eric will start something with her and go further with her than he did with me...

BUT WHY DO I CARE SO GODDAMN MUCH???!!

goddd!

i really need to start focusing on people who actually give a damn about me. the difficulty in doing so is quite the paradox.

so until i get in shape and i get a promotion, i'm considering chopping off the locks :D

here's what i'm thinking about:

it's funny, this woman doesn't even look real! hahahaha i'm thinkin about a dye job too or perhaps some highlights... god, here i am talking about it as if i have the money to do it @_@

i've been talking to colin again lately. he makes me feel warm inside. i know it's very weird and cliche to say that but it's always nice to hear from him. as much exhaustion i felt toward the end of our relationship, i also felt sadness for us breaking up and i don't want to lose him completely. he is probably the greatest, most genuine person i know. like i said, i need to keep the people in my life who care and who will bring positivity to my life. we did get together for pizza during the snowpocalypse part one but apparently alex has a stick up his ass about it. it's funny how colin and i went from the most exclusive couple in college to now meeting in secret. we're even considering a super secret sushi lunch.

we shall see what the rest of the beginning of 2011 has in store for me...

"why do i feel this way
like i'm so crazy for you?
i know i was doing fine
before you came into my life.
so why can i not let myself let it go?
so why can i not make myself forget about you?"

oscillation

2010-12-12T12:33:00.003-06:00

it's funny looking back, especially when things are so different from the past than they are right now.

don't worry, i've still been able to maintain my obsession with ayumi and cosplay. it's crazy how those things have never let me down all the years i've been involved with the fandom. i'm sure my parents would hate to read that, haha.

but colin and i are no more.

don't get me wrong, i still love the guy. he's nice, loyal, cute, hard-working and caring. if he put me down as a work reference, i would give the employer the best recommendation i could for him.

though i couldn't get over his mommy issue.

i broke up with him about three weeks ago. basically, i came to the conclusion that i didn't wanna marry him. not that it suddenly hit me but every time i would think about it, i would have doubts. and so i figured: get out. it was kind of sudden for him though. for the last couple of months, he would never call me during the day. and, in fact, i would have to BEG him to go to lunch with me. i really thought he was cheating on me... and i remembered his little texting party with that girl from a couple of years ago... so i went all psycho girlfriend on him and checked his phone history and realized that he was talking with another woman.

his mom...

3 to 4 times a day.

i've never liked his mom... ever... at all. she's one of those types that likes to be in control in EVERY aspect of her kids' lives no matter how old they are; not to mention, she was faker than the late mj's nose. she would always be smiley and nice to me, but deep down, i knew she talked shit.

in essence, colin was a momma's boy.

every time she'd call, he run to her at the drop of a hat. their relationship was almost.... disgusting to the point of incestuous. how, would you say, i got to that conclusion? because colin's dad works in amarillo during the week and poor mommy is all by herself and needs someone to spend time with and nag. they would go to dinner together every other week, shop together and they even would still go on "family" trips together... WITHOUT ME to places like napa, europe and mexico... places COUPLES go to.

and we were dating for four fucking years, we're basically one, so why would you not consider inviting me?!

anyway, it's all moot at this point.

last year, i gave him an ultimatum for him to stop talking to her all the time (not stop completely, just to the point where it's not revoltingly incestuous) or stop seeing me at all. and he did fix it for a couple of months but i think when he and i moved in together, it really got his mom into freak-out mode and she pounced; the leash around him tightened and he fell right back into those old habits.

i was so fed up with her and also colin not fixing the problem that i left. we had been arguing about this mommy situation since we've been dating and he just doesn't see what i see. in fact, i think he sees his relationship with his mom as NORMAL and sees my relationship with my family as strained and sooo below them. ugh, his family just had an aura about them that they thought they were better than everyone else because they're SOOOOOOO close. gag me, please. i never even felt comfortable around 'em; like they were the type of people you had to walk on eggshells to be with, sit up straight, pinky out type of thing. and they talked about the most boring shit ever!

anyway, so he didn't follow through and i walked out. i still love the guy and care for him, but i hate to say that now i feel so much better. i don't think it would have been fair for him to want to move on to the next step (marriage) and me all "ehh, no thanks." i just hated feeling so wound up and pissed off at him all the time. though we were together for a long time, i've moved on... i think the last few months i mentally moved on and all i had to do was physically do it.

and i find myself crushing on a guy at work really hard. *sigh* and yes, i'll admit, it did start happening toward the end of colin's and my relationship. but lately he's been out of town for the past couple of weeks and i only get to see him a couple of days which has been okay but work is still not the same without him. i know he feels the same about me... i think...

but i promise that's all it is, a crush. i can't see myself being with just ONE person again. i need to spread the wings and the love with some girl friends as well as guy friends whom i've distanced myself from when i was dating colin.

we shall see...

and maybe i'll tell you about my work friend later ;) i need to get my feet on the ground about myself, life and him. i still feel so frazzled and flustered.

so far, it's been successful meeting new people and hanging out. last weekend i went to austin for ally's bday party and this weekend i went out with kayla for her rommie's bday.

oh and i graduate next week. whoa!

body ache

2010-01-11T19:58:00.001-06:00

jesus, i went on the elliptical for 30 MINUTES today and i felt like i was about to have an anuerysm @_@ or maybe heart attack... or both... okay, let's just say i'm REALLY out of shape. i was supposed to start power 90 extreme (aka p90x) tonight with colin and crawford but they just got a new tv and don't have the cable to hook up the ps3 and yeah... anyway, thank GOD! we're starting tomorrow.

i would put up that weight-loss ticker thing on my blogger journal but eh... it wasn't any help the FIRST time i wanted to lose weight XD

okay so i don't necessarily want to lose weight, i just wanna look good naked. is that so much to ask? T_T i've already decided with myself to cut back on flour. do rice noodles count? oh well, i couldn't let that pei wei go to waste at lunch. it was just begging me to eat it ^_^ mmm pad thai. and i TRIED to be good and order a soup and salad (healthy salad, i didn't get no ranch, bacon bits or cheddar cheese on it. BOO YA!) at dinner but apparently you get a honey butter croissant with it and... and... i just couldn't let that go to waste either. i consider myself a conservationist when i'm at that point. i just think of the kids in africa and china and how i'm so lucky. FOR THE STARVING KIDS! *shoves all of croissant in her mouth* i really need to print out that sexy picture of star fighter and tape a couple of 'em in the fridge and pantry so that when i try to eat something bad, i won't XD i'll put a post-it below it saying: "you sure you wanna eat that, fatty?" i don't wanna do a shitty fighter cosplay. *shudders*

i don't know who i would tell this to but read my subtitle slowly. "no. ble." no bull :) that's what you get with me. and courtney means noble anyway, so i'm not lying either way XP hehe, but really... >.>

started my spring semester today. not so bad. my environmental science professor seems like a sweetheart and my survey of entrepeneurship prof is quirky. who knows... this could be an okay semester. but i totally kicked myself in the ass since i signed up for an 8:00 am STATISTICS CLASS. oh god @_@ and i'm in class all day from 8 to 2:20. well, i think i might have a break for lunch... ugh, i hate school. -_-;;

counting down until expo! :) w00t! so far cosplay plans are: ayumi hamasaki--BALLAD pv, sailor star fighter and then i have a free day. i'm sure i'll figure something out.

almost done with my s/u fic "days". i already have about 4 pages written for chapter 11 and now i'm freaking out because i'm afraid of the chapter being so damned long. it can be a real turn-off to readers to see that sidebar get smaller, and smaller... and smaller after the page loads. but i want there to only be two chappies left including this one so whatever. i'm almost done!!! yee-fuckin'-haw.

i want a chihuahua T_T i will call her "peaches" and dress her up when it's cold and she'll like it! :3 and then i'll be one dog closer to my chihuahua farm when i retire.

well, peace out <3

lemonade diet: day 05

2009-10-18T22:02:00.002-05:00

day 5 and haven't lost another pound since day 3. it's all good... once i'm done i'm sure to get back on an exercise regimen and hopefully a healthier diet which will actually result in weight loss. who knows? i feel like im at my plateau where it's so hard for me to lose anything. i just gotta keep going.

anyway, i'm uber tired but i have a financial planning exam tomorrow. i've gone through and highlighted the important stuff in the notes and now i'm taking my break. i hope to study for another couple of hours and then sleep to wake up at 5 am for 6 more hours of hardcore cramming. fuck senioritis, it's kicking me in the ass >.< i have a low b in the class which is pretty awesome for business' sake. i recieved a 79 on the last test so i hope to repeat that except maybe getting an extra question right on the multiple choice (or an extra point on the problems) for an 81 haha. but supposedly the first test was the hardest so i'm sure a low b is in the cards ^_^ *knocks on wood*

god, i want food.

luv ya <3

p.s.- marj valle XD

lemonade diet: day 04

2009-10-17T22:23:00.002-05:00

ah, day 4 and the morning weigh-in was the same as yesterday.

this diet is getting easier, but the temptations are just too much at times. i never knew how many pizza commercials there were until i started on this thing. and i hanged out with colin and a bunch of his frat brothers watching the notre dame and florida games. they were eating steaks and burgers and drinking beer and believe it or not, i resisted :)

but then colin and i went to see "zombieland" and the popcorn smell was just oh so delicious. but again, i stayed true to my plan :D i is proud of myself.

so tomorrow marks the halfway point and past then, i WILL not give up. if i've gone farther than halfway then i NEED to finish. it will be in total vain if i just cave in on the 7th day or something.

i feel some differences in myself since the first day on the diet: i feel happier, i feel healthy, i feel accomplished. i expected the exact opposite of being such a total bitch and just tired all the time. but all in all, it's been a very good experience and great test of willpower. so i will actually recommend this diet to some of you if you're curious ~.^

"zombieland" and "law abiding citizen" were pretty good, but i will choose "zombieland" as the best out of the two. very enjoyable and woody harrelson is cool lol

have a financial planning test on monday at noon. w0000t!

and i still need to buy my halloween costume. guh!!

luv u <33

lemonade diet: day 03

2009-10-16T18:13:00.003-05:00

weigh-in: 131 lbs....

w00000!!!! i lost 4 pounds ^_^ great thinspiration to keep me going on this thing.

believe it or not, i'm beginning to like the lemonade and i'm not noticing not eating. it's weird how busy i've kept myself. jordan and i spent all day today trying to run errands...

and you wouldn't believe that her car battery died too!!!! colin's battery died two days ago and mine died like two weeks ago... i'm beginning to see a strange pattern with myself.

just like my dream that i had where i found out how and when i was gonna die... @_@ such creepiness.

gonna see "law abiding citizen" tonight with colin and his friend chris and possibly go to a haunted house :3 i can't wait!

guh, so i went to this soccer philanthropy thing for delta tau delta and i was supposed to be there at 6 pm. when i get there, i hear that we don't have to be there until 7!! wtf?! i haven't gotten any emails from the philanthropy chair and when i went inside the gym, it was only delts and kappas. god... -_-;;

oh, and i chewed gum last night during rusty lyre >.> i had to. jordan has had cigarettes for the past two days so i believe gum isn't too big of a deal to have on the diet. you're not supposed to consume or chew (or smoke) anything other than the lemonade, various teas, and some supplements (wheatgrass and hoodia, anyone? i swear by the hoodia--that shit works!).

god i'm tired. that's the only downfall i notice is that i have no energy. but it's only for ten days; seven more to go!!

peace and love <3

lemonade diet: day 02

2009-10-15T16:26:00.003-05:00

it's day 02 and i'm already dreaming about maccaroni and cheese. my weigh-in was 135 lbs again but i never really expected for the weight to drop in one day XD

i think my essay turned out well, but i went in a totally different direction than the rest of the class did. they talked about a country's media in general rather than focusing on something specific within the media. i followed the directions as best as i could so the professor can just suck it!!

already on my third lemonade--gah! it's funny, it's getting more bearable to drink as the days go on. i've seriously been so tempted all day to just pig out on a pizza. a person in one of my groups for my channels class was eating a lunchable and i seriously drooled..... like i've never drooled over a fucking lunchable in my life! but i've heard success stories so i'm sticking to it.

nothing more to add right now, but i'm sure it'll come later. :) peace out!

lemonade diet: day 01

2009-10-14T19:39:00.004-05:00

so today was the first day to start off my crazy-ass diet. i went for a weigh-in this morning and i came to 135 lbs after going to the bathroom and with only a shirt on. it was not as bad as i thought; i figured that i gained a bit of weight over the summer as i had turned 21 and have been able to actually drink at dinner and buy alcohol. at any rate, my weight usually fluctuated between 128 and 132 lbs beforehand so i believe i didn't do TOO much damage.

anyway the recipe is as follows for a whole day:

60 Ounces Filtered Water
12 Tablespoons organic Maple syrup (Grade B)
12 Tablespoons Lemon Juice
½ Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper

this is the minimum requirement; one can drink up to 120 oz. a day. so far, i've only had 20 oz. -_-;;; lemme tell ya', i'm already tired of this lemonade. it's not THAT bad, but i can already tell i'm gonna get sick of this.

i caved in and did the saltwater flush this morning with my roommie (who is doing this with me, she's practically a veteran at this diet since she's done it about 4 times XD). it wasn't easy and wasn't that good. i tried to imagine it was chicken broth but............... yeah.........

but i did purchase some wheatgrass pills (for my protein intake) and hoodia so that i wouldn't feel so terribly hungry all day. and i would think it's safe to say that the hoodia does work. as for the wheatgrass, i'm also taking it to stregthen my immune system since colin is coming down with the flu. and the last thing i need is to get sick while i'm trying to detox. but i bought him some chicken soup and hanged out with him all day. ^_^ it was great fun.

anyway, i really got to get to writing this essay that's due tomorrow in one of my classes. i totally thought that it wasn't due until thursday at midnight but apparently we're giving an oral presentation on it.

peace out <3

update: (1:12 AM thursday morning) i took an adderall and have been having to pee like a mofo. i just finished my essay like ten minutes ago and i'm damned proud of it XD i really hope i gave the professor what she wanted because she's so fucking bad at giving directions and no one knows what the hell do to. anyway, i wrote it on how public relations functions in japan and i used ayu and koda kumi as case studies (ayu's drug scandal and koda's placenta comment). i think it's awesome!! hells yeah!!

anyway... i know i should get some sleep but i'm trying to get in one more glass of lemonade and tea. :)

much luv<333

lemonade diet: day 00

2009-10-13T20:51:00.004-05:00

okay so call me crazy but i've given into the crash diet fad; i'm doing the lemonade diet for 10 days starting tomorrow.

many might also know it as, "the master cleanse" and was conjured in the early 20th century. basically, it's a concoction of organic lemon juice (from real lemons), distilled water, cayenne pepper, and grade b maple syrup. you have to drink this beverage for however long you want without eating a single solid food. sure, teas and glasses of water are allowed, but for me, no solid foods for 10 days.

it's not really meant as a solution to weight loss (but it is a side-effect XD haha) but actually meant to rid your system of toxins and other stuff from all the processed foods we have all eaten in our years of living. you're supposed to either drink a saltwater concoction or a laxative tea (either every night or morning... i can't really remember) as a means to get rid of these said toxins. which one do you think i'm doing??? i've heard from another person's personal experience with this diet and the saltwater mixture that they can't get close to their sink without having the urge to vomit. at any rate, thank god for central market.

a bunch of celebrities, and beyonce knowles specifically, have done this diet in order to lose weight for movie roles. ms. knowles did it for her lead role in "dream girls" and lost 22 lbs in 15 days i wanna say. it's definitely some thin-spiration.

all i have to say to my close friends is watch out, because the bitch train is about to leave the station. i seriously can't imagine going so long without food but the desire to lose a few pounds and clean out my system will hopefully outweigh my food cravings.

i've been tired, sick, and just imbalanced lately with my body. maybe it's the fact that i've been pigging out and eating all i want since i've known i was going to do this diet for almost a month now. i can already tell it's going to be difficult not just for the hunger factor but it will also take a toll on my social life. there are football games, bar-hoppings, and happy hours that i'm going to have to miss out on. i can't smoke or drink on this stupid diet and while it's understandable, i still find that i'll have to force to lock myself in my apartment for a week and a half and cut off contact with people. it's just gonna suck...

but i feel like i can overcome...

you will be hearing from me every day that i'm on this diet. i will track my progress and publish my rants in order to keep my mind off eating and busy myself. in case some of y'all are wanting to try this and want to hear from someone who has done it before, this is the place to read. tell your friends!

at any rate, i've already eaten a delicious tex-mex meal from pappasitos and am ready to indulge in a glass or two of screwdrivers with my boytoy before midnight ^_^ <3

luv y'all!

curtain call

2009-03-29T18:32:00.003-05:00

gah, i feel soooo tired. maybe that's 'cause i haven't done anything today XD i'm on a solitaire kick and i've been playing that and listening to ayu's new album. so far, i don't know what the think of her new album. i'm totally in love with the track: Curtain call, but other than that, i'm trying to have the other tracks grow on me. it's very experimental for ayu; very techno and electronic. and the interludes are pretty good so they make up for being so many.

i've been feeling dizzy ever since i got back from spring break. i went to the health center and the doc doesn't know what's wrong with me and thinks there isn't. -_-;; it's pissing me off. i want to say it's all in my head but i don't know if it is. i'm not feeling any other symptoms besides the dizziness so who knows...

i swear i gained 5 lbs. during spring break @_@ that has set me back a whole lot. but for my sake, i'm just gonna keep my ticker thingy where it is XD i've been eating pretty healthy (staying away from bread basically) this past week with a few exceptions (i ate some semi-sweet and white chocolate morsels wednesday night 'cause i thought my dizziness was due to low blood sugar [it wasn't] and i had a fast break last night). but i can already see some improvement in my body since i got back so i can afford it :D

stupid playboy mansion is on a thursday night and i have an accounting test the NEXT DAY!!! their social chair really needs to take a hint from other fraternities and sororities and book their parties FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS!! soooo effing stupid. i don't know whether to a.) accept a bad test grade, b.) lie that i'm going out of town that weekend and take the test early, or c.) study hard that week and not get that drunk. decisions, decisions....

anyway, more to come :)

when i really should be studying...

2009-03-13T00:44:00.005-05:00

i've decided to pour out my inner thoughts into this blog XD ahaha well basically my accounting test (which is at 1 p.m. tomorrow afternoon) is just learning a bunch of formulas and i'm sure i SHOULD be golden, but this professor throws curveballs all the damned time (and it's SOOO asanine that she does because we're all business minors and half of us are only taking this damned minor because a. it looks good on our resume and b. because our parents made us; so just give us the information that we learned ONLY!) *takes a breath* and with these equations, if one number is off, then the WHOLE thing is wrong. although, luckily, she only takes it off that one time you get it wrong and as long as you set up the other problems correctly she won't take off again.

it's still stupid.

omg, and my bikini wax hurt like a motherfucker!! XOOO but i will admit the woman was really good and thorough and did her job well lol but it still hurt SOOO bad T_T it's because i wait so long in between waxes. but if i went for a maintenance every four weeks the hair becomes softer and thinner and thus it won't hurt as much and is much easier to wax. bah, but i have better things to spend my money on XD

yeah--saw the duplex and es not as good as we thought. it's old, there's a supposed "bedroom" in the back that really isn't a bedroom, the bathroom downstairs for the "bedroom" is tiny and everything is old and the closets are tiiiiiiiny and i'm afraid i'm gonna be huffing mold the whole time i'll be living there so es was a no-go *shakes head*. we're still looking. we saw this cute little house somewhere but every time i call, i get the voicemail so yeah... this is much more of a problem this year than last when we were just looking for a 2 bedroom place to live.

gaaaaaaaaaah i just want school to be OVERRRRRRRRRRR!!! i want to go to alabama and drink and tan and drink @_@

made an advertisment as an extra assignment but it's sooo text-heavy. but the criteria was that we keep certain information and that's what i did (it's a contest advertisement so i guess it would be text-heavy). but my heart just isn't in school right now and i really don't give a shit. is it bad that i considered not showing up for my test? ahaha XD

totally skipped media law and ethics today. even though it's probably my favorite class, i just couldn't wake up. plus i went to bed kind of late because i was making sure colin was okay after coming back from a bar <3

oh and here's another costume option:
Rule pv:

oh and all pv screen captures courtesy of eneabba.net/ayu--thanks, nick! :D

at any rate, night!

beautify your life

2009-03-10T19:29:00.005-05:00

guh, where do i start? i have some good news and meh news... -_-;; i'll just go in order that i remember them.

well got my haircut. i THINK it turned out okay, but who knows? you know the haircutter always styles it so shitty anyway. i mean their hair looks SO adorable but when it's your hair they fluff it up like some model from the 80s and curl it under and go: "awww, so cute!" pff! anyway, we shall see how it looks right when i do it.

and we'll see how my bikini wax goes on thursday >.>

i really need to study for my accounting test friday but my goal is a "C" in that class so i don't think that should take too much work ^^;;. maybe i'll take an adderall friday morning and study.

saw a huge-ass duplex 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom really close to campus and we're scheduled to see it tomorrow afternoon. hope it's as good as we think. we really like the balcony on the top level; looks like a good smoking spot :)

gulf shores in four days, whoo hoo!

guh, more information leaked about ayu's albums and she has FOUR interludes out of 13 tracks.... this is HORSE SHIT!!

interludes are:
01. Bridge to the Sky
03. Disco-munication
08. Load of the SHUGYO
12. Pieces of SEVEN

i say, these better be some badass interludes or i'll slap ayu myself >.< but ayu is finally just limiting her summer arena tour to only japan this time. i'm surprised that woman hasn't had a heart attack yet with the amount of work and stress she deals with willingly. i hear she only gets three to four hours of sleep a day @_@ who wants to be a j-pop star now?

sooooooooooooooooooo hungry............ once again i'm telling myself i want to get down to my high school weight but probably won't happen until i stop the drinking and late-night snacking -_-;; and that's hard when you're around people a lot who do those things. i remember being SO rigid and have the self control to not eat past 8 p.m. in high school. but somehow that's lost and i can't resist the temptation. and i know i didn't drink as much (if at all) in high school so that's a big issue there. i remember the summer before college i would just eat one meal a day no matter what it was: chicken alfredo+5 breadsticks+one salad from olive garden, cheeseburger+fries+iced tea from anywhere, potato soup+bacon+cheddar cheese+three slices of wheat french bread+a dessert of some type+iced tea from la madeleine... and HOW was a still 115 pounds (hell, i probably lost weight just by that diet), i don't know. i've tried that tactic before about a year ago and i barely lost anything.... maybe i lost some water.

or it could be the water weight from my birth control that's the extra weight... right?

enough of the weight talk. i'm tired of trying to relive the past but it was a fun one ^^;; lol maybe i need to do some brain exercises or something to learn how to suppress my urges. i guess maybe what i need is something to show my progress. enter: my weight tracker thingy i took from deli XD

we shall see how this goes.

gah, i'm still so psyched for expo this summer :D now that i might change costumes, i really don't know what i want to do. i think the GAME pv should be pretty easy and maybe i'll do the Startin' pv costume since i've been wanting to do it for two years. but the thing is, we might actually have to make the chaps -_-;;; why am i such a perfectionist? because of that i spend more money, more time, and drive my friends crazy lol but i guess it's a better flaw to have than being a moocher or serial killer XD ahahaha

home stretch

2009-03-08T20:23:00.004-05:00

well, now the two previous posts can run obsolete since that girl is obsolete...muwahahaha!

at any rate, still trying to go through school. i feel like this semester is a bit more stressful than any other semester of my college life. my monday-wednesday-fridays are jam packed and it really sucks! it's caused me to not be able to sleep late on fridays, get drunk on thursday night parties, or play golf with colin and our friends T_T oh wellz.

btw, i love my colin. i am going to marry him someday. i know i sound like a 12-year-old with a crush but i know deep down he's the one. if it not be true, god strike me down now..................................................... nothing. :)

spring break is next week and we're going to gulf shores, alabama and i'm SO looking forward to it. totally not going to eat 'til next saturday night when we get there XDD i'm hoping to have a permanent buzz until that next wednesday when we leave. although, i'm going to be the only taco in this sausage platter (i'm going to be the only girl) on this trip so i won't have to look TOO good in my swimsuit XD ahahaha

then friday the 20th my parents get married! i'm so excited. and my beloved said he'd be there ^_^ <3

FINALLY pre-registered for expo. only $50 but that's helluva lot less than the $70 that i would've had to pay at the door. gah! i'm so excited for this summer: i turn 21, i MIGHT get a dog, and i'm road-tripping it to los angelas to anime expo! w0000. costumes might change a bit but we shall see. i've only bought one item of material so change is at a high percentage of happening.

it could be changed to this one:
Because of You pv

or:
GAME pv

i have shit to do this week but i really don't feel like starting it until the last minute. so far, all a's and b's in classes (i hope XD)

trying to look for a free download of lady gaga's: "eh eh (nothing else i can say)" but no avail -_-;; i might have to join a forum in order to get free shiz like i do with ayu lol i'm such a bad fan but still obsessed!

speaking of which, ayu is performing the theme song for the upcoming AMERICAN movie: Dragonball Evolution; the song is called Rule. AND it's being used as the theme song all over the world. i'm so happy for my ayu ^_^ maybe it'll be nominated for an oscar..... but i'll bet not.

aaaaaaand speaking of her, again, she's finally coming out with a new album: NEXT LEVEL on march 25th! here are the details:

CD tracklist:
01.Bridge to the sky
02.NEXT LEVEL
03.Disco-munication
04.EnergizE
05.Sparkle
06.rollin'
07.GREEN
08.Load of the SHUGYO
09.identity
10.Rule
11.LOVE 'n' HATE
12.Pieces of SEVEN
13.Days
14.Curtain call

DVD tracklist (pv+making-of):
01.Days
02.GREEN
03.Rule
04.Sparkle
05.NEXT LEVEL
06.Curtain call

USB cover (yes, there's even one that's just a USB drive!)

CD cover

CD+DVD cover

sometimes, you just need a good cry to get stress off your shoulders. or at least i need one--hehe ^^;;

i want a dog SOOO bad!! i want a cute lil long-haired chihuahua pup and just snuggle and squeeze and feed it until the end of time, MA!!

at any rate, just wasting away right now craving some ice cream or maybe i could steal one of my roomie's mini delights. that's probably a whole lot less of calories than ice cream XD only 150.

okay, over and out.

worthless

2008-12-08T01:56:00.005-06:00

................

...............FUCK this SHIT!!

y'know, it could be me, but sometimes i believe either colin doesn't read well into things or maybe he is purposefully feeding into it.

yeah, so what, i peeked at his phone while he was out of the room. you'd do the same.

girls just don't fucking text you stupid dumbass questions because they seriously don't know. they just look for any sort of reason to text you, to be able to communicate in any sort of way.

and it's NOT over their project together. update: supposedly they aren't done with it until this week. he gave me the argument earlier that, "she's in my group!" so there's a legitimate reason why they're texting back and forth. but nah, she's asking him stupid shit about papers and MLA format that i really don't see being connected with their ad campaign for some type of battery. oh yeah, and i don't see the other chick that's in their group's name in his phone.

i've decided to give him a deadline: if i see her name on his phone once again by beginning of next semester (hell, maybe i'll make it next year, jan. 1st., i AM spending new years with him), the claws are coming out and there will be some drastic changes. i think i'm being pretty lenient here.

he should know that now she's a problem. and it's up to him whether he wants to take care of it or not...

and his choice decides if i stay or go.

if he doesn't want to lose me, he better get his act in gear. because i'm tired of being the psychotic stalker girlfriend and checking his goddamn phone every time he's out of the fucking room and STILL seeing new texts from her, i'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time i have a thought, and i'm tired of worrying that i'm not good enough anymore.

and if there is anything going on, god help me that his conscience can't keep a dirty secret.

the one thing i'm afraid of is not being able to watch him during christmas break. hell, he could go on vacation with her for all i know. all i'll be getting from him for a couple of weeks is random texts and phone calls. i hate this... I HATE THIS!!

i hate not trusting people. it's the worst feeling. i feel like I'M the bad person.

FUCK THIS SHIT!!!

i'm just really pissed off right now.

i'm starting to believe in that butterfly effect bullshit--something so small can cause tremendous chaos.

all the small things

2008-12-06T23:01:00.002-06:00

so... it's happening.

colin and i have been dating for a little over two years. i love him... i'm IN love with him. i can't imagine life without and i DON'T imagine life without him.

but y'know how some people are together through "thick and thin"?

does the thick or thin involve a third party?

he has been texting this girl in one of his classes. they've had a project together with another person and have been getting together multiple nights a week in the library to finish their project. i thought it was over a couple of weeks ago... but i still saw her name in his phone popping up with texts.

what's worse, maybe, is that she's in one of my classes. i've told colin that i think she's so pretty and such. when i did tell him, he just half-heartedly agreed and changed the subject.

yesterday morning, he came to bed around 9 a.m. from sleeping on the couch. he had gotten completely wasted the night before and i went to bed while he was intently conversing with one of his roommates. i was just too tired.

when he came to bed, i couldn't go back to sleep. i noticed that both of our phones were missing from the room so i went to retrieve them from the living room...

and i was compelled to check his phone again...

for that girl...

and her name appeared once again. but this time, he initiated the conversation: "i'm really drunk right now, but i think you're really gorgeous."

i went crazy. that feeling from my first tumultuous break-up came back again. the nausea, the lump in my throat, the pain...

three things came to mind from reading that text:
01. would he have done it had i not gone to bed so early? he texted her an hour after i went to bed. was he waiting for me to go to sleep?
02. he finds her, in the least, physically attractive.
03. he was thinking about her; she was on his mind.

i woke him up and confronted him about it. he looked at me and said nothing other than, "it wasn't me."

my heart dropped. why the hell would it not be him? who else would want to text a girl solely in colin's phone? i didn't understand... was there something going on? he didn't say much at first. he just blankly stared at me and kept repeating, "it wasn't me. i don't remember." sure he was hung over as hell and you wouldn't say much either in the same state, but our relationship was on the line,

our promises

our feelings

our future

i'm starting to cry just writing this...

he held me as i was putting on my clothes to leave. he didn't want me to go and he started crying with me. he told me how ridiculous he was to do it since he had me--because i'm so perfect. he kept on telling me how unattracted he was to her and how much of a bitch he thought she was. he claimed he didn't know why he even texted her at all. he apologized multiple times and cried a bit more.

i felt so bad at the time. i felt like a bad person for taking something like this so far. but, the more i thought/think about it, the more hurt and insecure i became and am becoming.

was i not putting out enough for him?
am i getting too comfortable around him?
does he not find me attractive anymore?
is our relationship starting to bore him?

she is so pretty, though; gorgeous light blonde hair, light blue eyes, feminine features, and a great body--skinnier than me.

i suggested a break, but he reassured me that he doesn't want that. he doesn't want to lose me. i don't want to lose him. but maybe we NEED a break.

i quickly dismissed that idea. i love him, i can't be away from him.

but i find myself, here, alone, right now being jealous and suspicious. while he's out there going to bars with his friends, is he texting her? hell, is he calling her over to meet him at the bar?

even when i am with him, i wonder everytime his phone vibrates.

it's like a disease. i want to understand. i want to trust him. i want things to be back to normal.

but it can't.

i want to be at ease. but i can't.

i know and want to believe that nothing physical has happened between them; this is only a measly drunk text.

but that measly drunk text wasn't to me this time.... it was to her.

i can't stop thinking about it. i always told myself the small things that a person does should count just as much as the big things. and i'm living up to it.

on the outside, i smile and kiss colin as he is assured in my forgiveness. but inside, i'm all torn up. my heart has been bruised by the person that i love and trust the most ever in my life. is that why i'm taking this so personal?

now i let the tears flow silently because it's just me.

he said he should be home by midnight. i don't know. i sit here waiting for him. trusting him. thinking once again i'm the only girl in his life.

later yesterday afternoon, she texted him asking if he meant what he said. and he simply replied, "sorry, i was drunk," and maybe some other things. i was hoping for a: "i didn't mean what i said, please disregard everything."

but that's just me.

i wish he could just erase her from his phone, from his project, from his life.

is it bad that i just want to crawl in a hole right now and cry myself to sleep every night? that the first time my true love has hurt me, i blow it out of proportion?

but i just can't help it.

maybe we should have a break. but i don't want to. i love him, i can't stand not seeing him if he's just two minutes away.

i'll want his voice, his warmth, his smile and laughter, his embrace, and just him altogether.

maybe.... he..... really..... does.... like her. stuff like this happens in real life all the time. people fall out of love.

but not my colin. please.... not my colin.

god help me. this is just a small bump in our relationship; a thin part of our relationship that we can leave behind us and laugh about it 20 years from now....................

isn't it?

view from the bottom

2008-12-02T19:50:00.002-06:00

wouldn't you belive it? i live!

gah, where do i begin? i really need to keep up with this thing. on my livejournal, i kept up with it everyday and when i went back and read everything, it was like "that happened to me??!!1!" *le shrug*

a-kon went off without a hitch... well, there was a little bump on the road. apparently, steph and zac's fighting scared verity off back to houston. haven't heard from her since @_@ her and laura still talk (yeah, i'm a facebook stalker, what of it!?) but maybe they belong together XD

christmas is near and so is the end of this semester. god, i have SO MUCH SHIT TO DO!! and wouldn't you know it, i'm too damned lazy to do anything at this point. stupid thanksgiving. you're supposed to be well rested and fed but i came back hungry and tired, HAH!

so all the shit i need to do:
01. get into two classes that i need; tcu REALLY needs to offer more classes since EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS WAITLISTED!!!!
02. start and finish a 10-12 page paper on the food symbolism in early modern europe. it could be interesting but looking up secondary sources is a motherfucker -_-
03. pay bills/take out money from my loan... boo!
04. pay off my fine for alpha chi
05. start and finish a brochure for my graphics class. well, that shouldn't be too hard... i think

i'm sure there's a lot more, but i'm way to stressed to think about it now.

okay, so next year, need to get a job. i'm having to go to expo and spain next year and those are all on me. gonna have'ta hike up the skirt and lower the blouse for tips and put away money from my allowance each month (also land an internship that pays.....well). parents are paying for me to go to mexico spring break and that's about all they can shell out since the economy is taking it up the ass. although, i might go to mexico again for my 21st--whooo!! btw, parentals are getting remarried march 8. <3 ah, love. ^_^ i knew it was bound to happen since my parents have been living--oh sorry--"rooming" together since my freshman year.

so anyway, i'm REALLY excited about expo. although we plan on only attending expo, i'm sure we'll somehow end up at a-kon hehe but it's still just as fun. of course i'm doing ayu again since anime is meh (interesting note: meh has been added to the collins dictionary... or something of the sort. whatev', it's added to some dictionary and supposedly it's roots started from "the simpsons"???) and ayu is luv <3 *_*

and i've finally given in to the pressure. i'm gonna do the leopard suit:

also, i'm considering the Startin' outfit as well (see below). i'm planning on going on the lemonade diet for spring break so hopefully i can keep it off until june/july, but if not, it's always cheapest not to eat XD lol i am a college student so eating cheaply comes easily (or not eating, whichever is convenient).

annnnnnnnnnnnd... dun dun dun DUN!!! gonna do my biggie costume:

le fairyland dress <3:

excitement? i predict about 26 hours of work on this thing. basically, all i need is a petticoat, a one strap bathing suit top, a beenie, a glue gun, and loads of flowers. that's actually the least amount of materials i've ever had to work with for a costume. although, i'll probably be eating my words come around may and i'll probably be dead by the hands of my friend whom i will have forced to help out XD ahahahahaha!!!

anyv'ays, peace out peeps!

wow wow wow!

2008-05-22T13:01:00.002-05:00

i got about 10 hours of sleep and i'm STILL tired!

finally got my boots in last night! :D i started coloring the black on the platform and its really working out. but i'm considering puting steph's extra velvet on the rest of the boot to avoid disaster o_O.

bought the wrong-sized gloves AGAIN!! i just can't pay close enough attention to this costume. i'm so excited about it ^_^ but i fixed 'em by cutting off the tops of the shorter gloves from before and glueing them.

and i've finished my stockings. it was painful and inconvenient, but they're so fun to wear. i like to think of my bow as good luck so i'm always wearing it when i'm working on cosplay :D

i've already thought up my next 3 ayu costumes @_@

and i'm having my fruit snack now so to be continued lol XD

aggghh!!

2008-05-19T04:06:00.003-05:00

it's 4 a.m., do you know where your children are?

maybe they're at their friend's house making costumes and it went from midnight to 4 in the morning in 15 minutes...

it took me forever to figure out ayu's damned bow >( being sick isn't helping my intelligence either.

i REALLY need to sleep.

it's hard to help steph out since a.) i can't master a sewing machine and b.) it seems to be a one person job.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE I BOUGHT THE WRONG SIZED GLOVES???!!

and i thought no more trips downtown. but that would make life easier then, huh? oh wellz :/

oh and i gots me a stalker creep on myspace... whoopie! and of course he's mischa's friend!! she always seems to attract the creepy ones since she doesn't have a radar to detect them... she's not that much into saftey O_o but she's hella fun.

here's stalker message #1:
"hi whats up?what does cartrat mean?I was friends with Mischa if you don't remember."

*no response*

(2 days later) message #2:
"Just because your beautiful doesn't mean you can just ignore my message!I would rather enjoy it if I could get to know you."

um, do guys not look at my relationship status? @_@

le p00p

i miss my irish clover coco bean T_T

feta and spinach

2008-05-13T00:12:00.002-05:00

ah, cartrat hungry!! XOOOO that's what a 200-calorie pretzel will do to you...

but i must boost up my sexiness (the little i got) for a-kon in 3 weeks. lordy, that's such a short time.

so get this: ayu's costume ISN'T fur, it's this polyester string stuff. i don't know if that's a good thing or bad one... it could be easier to find or it could be impossible. but we shall see what the high fashion fabric center gods will give me O_o

stephanie is doing gwen stefani's band uniform from her hollaback girl pv. lol we were watching the video and trying to catch stills of the costume. it was so time-consuming to pause it on the right angle in the millisecond the shot showed up. but then we realized to look at her doll she had of gwen that actually had the band uniform on -_-;; i wasn't mad persay... just relieved i didn't have to make anymore stills.

but now, i hear that nacho's knees might be getting weak. his back legs have been giving out a couple of times in front of my parents, but that's just when they're around. i'm so worried about him. he's been alive for 9 years eating cheese and fries on a regular basis @_@ and him and my dad are so attached... and me too!

you can't resist t3h face!!!

at any rate, tryin' to get a stupid job at stupid starbucks. i just missed the store manager by 30 minutes when calling about my application.

and i'm tired and i want my colin. i'm so used to being around him all the time that i'm feeling a bit of separation anxiety. i miss cuddling up to his warm body and touching his long eyelashes and looking into his big round blue eyes and....

*sigh* i just miss him and love him to much lol but it won't be long before i get to see him after a-kon ^_^

peace!

i live!!

2008-05-11T22:29:00.005-05:00

god, how long has it been? like 2 months, but forgive me... i just forgot about it lol

so now i'm officially a junior in college. dear god. i remember it took SO long to get through high school and now i'm speeding through college. i guess the more fun you have, the more time flies. but at least in august i will be able to live in my townhouse!! :D excitement!

and i had a breakthrough this semester... i failed my first class EVAR! damn accounting. i blame the professor, he sucked and he was a bastard :/ but whatever, it didn't affect my gpa so i got a 3.2 all thanks to media writing, thank god.

(side note: im watching this thing on biography channel about transexuals and DAMN! technology can do wonders)

my poor colin is sick and i'm all the way in down here T_T the one time he gets sick, i can't take care of him and he always takes care of me because my immune system hates me. le sigh... i hope he gets better.

but, today i have been pondering my cosplay ideas for a-kon later this month. at first i wanted to cosplay ayu's Startin' pv, but i don't feel like doing crunches.

too much sexiness! lol

but now i've decided to go with her ARENA TOUR 2006 ~(miss)understood~ STEP you and Ladies Night performance costume. it resembles what she wore in her alterna pv, but guess what...

it's fur...

OF COURSE IT'S FUR!! IF IT WASN'T, MY LIFE WOULD BE HELLA EASIER AND WE CERTAINLY CAN'T HAVE THAT!! AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE IMPOSSIBLE BOOTS!!!

but i love her ^___^ praise ayu! *worships*

and i think i'll resurrect my Ladies Night pv costume. it's still good, but just gotta redo the skirt and tweak the attachments a bit. that costume was so fun. i got so many photo ops, but for the life of me, i couldn't find any of them on the internet. but oh wellz.

yarr, gonna hang out with my grandma tomorrow and we're going to luby's! hells yeah! that place rocks if you get over the smell of death from the surplus of old people.

and i need a job!!!! T___T stupid high school kids taking my job...

(waiting for colin to call... tick tock, tick tock!)

credits to eneabba.net/ayu and ayunite.net for such AWESOME screenshots, yo! holla!

second first time

2008-03-04T22:43:00.005-06:00

future releases from ayu!! MY STORY Classical was her last remix album and that was in 2005 (and it was orchestra...)! i'm a techno/eurobeat/trance/electronic/whatever freak, so i'm excited!!!

『ayu-mi-x 6 -GOLD-』
2008.3.26 IN STORES
¥2,500（tax incl.） AVCD-23551
01. Greatful days (PARA ONE remix) [preview at PARA ONE's myspace]
02. ourselves (COLDCUT remix)
03. INSPIRE (ARMAND VAN HELDEN remix)
04. Moments (dj KENTARO remix)
05. HAPPY ENDING (MAD PROFESSOR remix)
06. STEP you (THE YOUNG PUNX! remix)
07. Ladies Night (AFRA & INCREDIBLE BEATBOX BAND remix)
08. Startin' (SHINICHI OSAWA remix)
09. BLUE BIRD (7th GATE remix)
10. Beautiful Fighters (MSTRKRFT remix)
11. glitter (SOUL CENTRAL remix)
12. talkin' 2 myself (STONEBRIDGE remix)

『ayu-mi-x 6 -SILVER-』
2008.3.26 IN STORES
¥2,500（tax incl.） AVCD-23552
01. No way to say (HIGH CONTRAST remix)
02. GAME (YOJI remix)
03. CAROLS (PLAYGROUP remix)
04. About You (BLACK STROBE remix)
05. walking proud (CALM remix)
06. alterna (FREEFORM FIVE remix)
07. HEAVEN (DAISHI DANCE remix)
08. JEWEL (STEPHANE POMPOUGNAC remix)
09. part of Me (CARL CRAIG remix)
10. fated (MAKOTO remix)
11. decision (FORCE OF NATURE remix)
12. Together When... (CO-FUSION remix)
__

01：STEP you (THE YOUNG PUNX! dub)
02：STEP you (THE YOUNG PUNX! remix inst.)
03：About You (BLACK STROBE dub mix)
04：About You (BLACK STROBE inst.)

01：GAME (YOJI vocal remix)
02：GAME (YOJI 148bpm tech-dance re-dub)
03：Together When... (COfudub)
04：Together When... (CO-FUSION remix inst.)

01：Moments (dj KENTARO remix)
02：Moments (dj KENTARO dub mix feat. le jad)
03：ourselves (COLDCUT remix)
04：ourselves (COLDCUT inst)

01：INSPIRE (ARMAND VAN HELDEN club mix)
02：INSPIRE (ARMAND VAN HELDEN dub)
03：CAROLS (PLAYGROUP dub)
04：CAROLS (PLAYGROUP inst)

01：No way to say (HIGH CONTRAST dub)
02：No way to say (HIGH CONTRAST inst mix)
03：fated (MAKOTO dub)
04：fated (MAKOTO remix-inst)

01：Startin' (SHINICHI OSAWA remix)
02：Startin' (SHINICHI OSAWA inst.)
03：Greatful days (PARA ONE remix)
04：Greatful days (PARA ONE remix inst.)

01：HEAVEN (DAISHI DANCE dub with chieko kinbara)
02：HEAVEN (DAISHI DANCE inst. mix with chieko kinbara)
03：talkin' 2 myself (STONEBRIDGE dub)
04：talkin' 2 myself (STONEBRIDGE inst.)

01：walking proud (CALM balearic dub)
02：walking proud (CALM balearic remix inst.)
03：glitter (SOUL CENTRAL dub mix)
04：glitter (SOUL CENTRAL inst.)

01：alterna (FREEFORM FIVE dub)
02：alterna (FREEFORM FIVE remix inst.)
03：Beautiful Fighters (MSTRKRFT club mix)
04：Beautiful Fighters (MSTRKRFT inst.)

01：part of Me (CARL CRAIG remix-dub mix)
02：decision (FORCE OF NATURE remix inst.)
03：decision (FORCE OF NATURE remix dub)

*note: these are all on vinyls because avex wants to lose more money! XO
i want to say that the vinyls are coming out in april along with the Mirrorcle World single.

speakin' of Mirrorcle World, here's the low-down on that!:

NEW single Title: Mirrorcle World
Release date: 2008.04.08
4 versions:
Version 1+2: special track: YOU （10th Anniversary version） CD+DVD / CD only
Version 3+4: special track: Depend on you （10th Anniversary version）CD+DVD / CD only

DVD+CD
¥1,890(tax in)　AVCD-31429/B
First pressed: gorgerous long slipcase 初回限定特殊パッケージ仕様：豪華縦長スリーブ
【CD】 Mirrorcle World （Original Mix）
●Panasonic デジタルカメラ Lumix FX35 TV-CFソング
●第一興商　メロDAM CMソング Life （Original Mix）
●music.jp TV-CFソング YOU （10th Anniversary version）
※special track
Mirrorcle World （Instrumental）
Life （Instrumental）
YOU （10th Anniversary version-Instrumental-）
【DVD】
Mirrorcle World （Music Video）
Mirrorcle World （Making Clip）

CD
¥1,050(tax in)　AVCD-31430
【CD】 Mirrorcle World （Original Mix）
●Panasonic デジタルカメラ Lumix FX35 TV-CFソング
●第一興商　メロDAM CMソング
Life （Original Mix）
●music.jp TV-CFソング
YOU （10th Anniversary version）
※special track
Mirrorcle World （Instrumental）
Life （Instrumental）
YOU （10th Anniversary version-Instrumental-）

CD+DVD
¥1,890(tax in)　AVCD-31431/B
初回限定特殊パッケージ仕様：豪華縦長スリーブ
【CD】 Mirrorcle World （Original Mix）
●Panasonic デジタルカメラ Lumix FX35 TV-CFソング
●第一興商　メロDAM CMソング
Life （Original Mix）
●music.jp TV-CFソング
Depend on you （10th Anniversary version）
※special track
Mirrorcle World （Instrumental）
Life （Instrumental）
Depend on you （10th Anniversary version-Instrumental-）
【DVD】
Mirrorcle World （Music Video）
Mirrorcle World （Making Clip）

CD
¥1,050(tax in)　AVCD-31432
【CD】 Mirrorcle World （Original Mix）
●Panasonic デジタルカメラ Lumix FX35 TV-CFソング
●第一興商　メロDAM CMソング
Life （Original Mix）
●music.jp TV-CFソング
Depend on you （10th Anniversary version）
※special track
Mirrorcle World （Instrumental）
Life （Instrumental）
Depend on you （10th Anniversary version-Instrumental-）

don't ask what all the japanese says; i don't know as much as you don't O_o...
__

ayumi hamasaki ASIA TOUR 2007 ~Tour of Secret~ "LIVE + DOCUMENTARY"
In stores from March 12, 2008
¥5,040（tax included）
AVBD-91536 - 7
Two DVD set (packaged in a splendid sleeve)

【Track list】
LABYRINTH
evolution
UNITE!
taskinst
1 LOVE
until that Day...
M
appears
part of Me
Secret
kiss o'kill
Not yet
SURREAL
AUDIENCE
Boys & Girls
SEASONS
glitter
independent
Humming 7/4
Who...
__

the list for her asia tour 2008 ~10th anniversary~ is all in japanese so i proposed it would be useless to post for all of us until i get a translation.

so far, the remix albums, vinyls, and single covers have not been revealed, but i will be sure to be punctual and add those as soon as i find out...

credits go to jpopmusic forums and ahs forum

peace-out! <3

first time

2008-03-04T19:39:00.006-06:00

first time on a blog... the closest thing i've experienced with this is livejournal, so i might treat this post as a journal so whatever. i might as well start with giving a brief overview of myself (for myself... *shifty eyes*)

teenager
sophomore in college
ad/pr major with business minor (and it's kicking my ass!)
madly in love with boyfriend
going to japan this summer--w0000t!
going to mexico twice this year
currently having future roommate trouble
and trying to get back down to my high school weight (damn that freshman 15!)

my personality should come out in blogs to come...

i thought i might start out with an album review of one of my favorite musicians, ayumi hamasaki. granted, she's japanese, but she's the only remnant of my anime-freak days of middle school. she's beautiful, writes her own songs, and i feel she's in it for the music. she's no poptart copy of britney spears which is A-MAZING! that trainwreck outta be dead in a year, i hope. anyway! ayu is always able to capture any feeling and has a knack for hearbreak and hopelessness. no matter, it's all beautiful.

i'll start with her latest: GUILTY

cd-dvd

cd-only

tracklist:
01. Mirror
02. (don't) leave me alone
03. talkin' 2 myself
04. decision
05. GUILTY
06. fated
07. Together When...
08. Marionette -prelude-
09. Marionette
10. The Judgement Day
11. glitter
12. MY ALL
13. reBiRTH
14. untitled ~for her~

now i won't bore you with arrangers and composers and all that stuff (unless it's ayu that composes, because that's becoming rare nowadays). and keep in mind, ayu writes ALL of her songs. this album sadly ended her no. 1 album streak as 9 of her previous albums (including one mini-album) made it to no. 1. as they say, all good things must come to an end. but it doesn't mean it was a bad album at all!

(note: albums are always bolded and song titles are always italicized. dunno if that's proper english, but it's easy english

pv= promotional video--same as music video)

01. Mirror
classic ayu--gracing us with an interlude as the first track. this track was leaked about a week before christmas and everyone FREAKED! it was very well-taken and very well-liked amongst hardcore ayu fans and i would have to agree. it's unique and a good listen.

UPDATE!:
news of a single titled: Mirrorcle World (can you say, engrish?) which is an extended version of the GUILTY prelude Mirror. ayu was spotted in italy filming her panasonic lumix fx35 camera commercial and pit-stopped in paris to film the pv for the single. a preview of Mirrorcle World can be found here: http://ch.panasonic.co.jp/index.html?contents=00995

rating: 3 out of 5

02. (don't) leave me alone
this song, imo, takes some getting used to. i haven't had the chance to see it performed during her 2007-2008 countdown live concert (though on account of her left-ear deafness it's said she was a bit off-key), but i have the feeling it would be a crowd-pleaser. the pv was reminiscent of RAINBOW's Real me but it's more boring. the song has some vibe and quirky beats, but you still wanna skip the track.

pv:

rating: 2 out of 5

03. talkin' 2 myself

cd-dvd

cd-only

tracklist:
01. talkin' 2 myself "Original mix"
02. decision "Original mix"
03. fated "Orchestra version"
04. talkin' 2 myself "Original mix -Instrumental-"
05. decision "Original mix-Instrumental-"

came out as a single in september along with b-side (i think) decision. both are pop-rock ballads supported with an orchestra and hard guitar. when the single title was revealed one month before release, i thought it was fake and sounded like some american r&b song. at first i prefered decision because ayu didn't sound as manly, but after a few more listens of talkin' 2 myself, it grew on me and the chorus never leaves your mind. the lyrics are a little abstract, but as long as you don't know japanese, you can rock on without the confusion. the video reminds me of her NEVER EVER commercial from the I am... album and surprisingly, the male dancers give the song some flair.

pv:

rating: 4 out of 5

04. decision
like i said, loved this one from the beginning. the arrangement of the whole song just struck me with a sadness. the pv is simple yet very effective. there is a remix by dj amaya that is very well done and a pv to go along with it (http://www.jpopmusic.com/forums [click the ayumi hamasaki forum]).

pv:

rating: 4 out of 5

05. GUILTY
i haven't heard any sort of excitement for this song. the song starts out dark and almost reminds you of a medieval scene if a pv were made. very dramatic with orchestra, guitar, and bells, but the chorus struck me as underwhelming. it's almost too slow or not enough sung or something... it just sounds incomplete. unfortunately, it stuck out way too much to me.

rating: 1.5 out of 5

06. fated

cd-dvd

cd-only

tracklist:
01. glitter "original mix"
02. fated "orginal mix"
03. Secret "original mix"
04. glitter "original mix -Instrumental-"
05. fated "original mix -Instrumental-"

came out in july with glitter. the singles were considered a disappointment on account of the sales, but it still got no. 1 so i don't see what avex is bitchin' about. the pv was made into a short film called: kyo ai (distance love) and split into 2 parts; glitter was the song for part 1 and fated part 2. the film was about this popstar falling in love with one of her bodyguards or someone and they wanted to keep their love secret and when they were about to get married, her bodyguard gets in a motorcycle accident and dies. might sound a bit japanese-y, but fated is a beautiful song and probably my favorite track on the album. it's either loved or hated, but give it a listen at least. she sings it so well and very dramatically in the right parts. an acoustic orchestra version was released on the talkin' 2 myself single, but i would admit it's a bit below par than the orginal version.

pv:

rating: 5 out of 5

07. Together When...

tracklist:
01. Together When...
02. Together When... (Instrumental)

ayu's first digital single because i guess avex was afraid ayu would lose her no. 1 streak. but anyway, a nice powerful december ballad. it's a good flow and the lyrics make sense and are relatable. the pv is reminscent of (miss)understood's rainy day, but that was a good pv. there were lots of wonderful imagery and metaphor in the pv that fit well with the song for once.

pv:

rating: 3.5 out of 5

08. Marionette -prelude-
prelude to the Marionette track and it's some kind of creepy, but in the good way. we got a music box going and some creepy orchestra and it leaves you wondering. from there, we start to venture into a darker side of ayu in music and lyrics.

rating: 3.5 out of 5

09. Marionette
ayu took a completely new direction in this song than she did with Bold & Delicious, but at least she stuck with her pop roots back in 2005. i don't know the translation of the lyrics yet, but the pv kicks ass in everything--costume, cinematography, setting, etc.. we see ayu as some deranged puppet with cat eyes and some male asian puppets trying to freak you out. the feeling of the song is conveyed very well in the pv and ayu never ceases to look gorgeous. a good track if you like 'em freaky.

pv:

rating: 3.5 out of 5

10. The Judgement Day
first thought when seeing this track title, "that's so emo..." but luckily, it's far from it. the 3rd out of 4 interludes and i would say it's the most interesting. it starts with some dark base in the background but gets all fast-paced and happy toward the end. it reminds me of someone being judged and being scared and all, but ends up being able to go to heaven and so he/she gets all happeh and heavenly!

rating: 4 out of 5

11. glitter
from the major rock/ballad/dark theme this album has going on, this song came out of nowhere. when glitter first came out as a single, i thought it was the best thing since Greatful days. it was happy, pop-y, dance-y, and all around fun. many people can't take her singing in the chorus, but they're just bitter because they can't get the song outta their heads. if you wanna get in a good mood, jam to this.

pv:

rating: 4.5 out of 5

12. MY ALL
this song WON'T EVER get out of your head. it's not quite as summer-ish and pop-y as glitter, but it's definately got that upbeat rhythm down. it sounds like it belongs on the MY STORY album, but it does well on GUILTY and it's good avex arranged it after glitter. it sounds like something ayu has done before, but at the same time it's something new. you can bounce to it and it's so cute, i don't see how anyone can hate it.

rating: 4 out of 5

13. reBiRTH
sounds like LABYRINTH mixed with Kaleidoscope mixed with neverending dream... le blah. too many interludes if you ask me.

rating: 1.5 out of 5

14. untitled ~for her~
a nice orchestra ballad, but it personally put me to sleep. supposedly, it was written for one of ayu's friends who committed suicide. i hear the friend was on the Depend on You pv. even though it was taken very well with fans, i prefer Memorial address over this one. this song lacked a bit of music drama for the situation it was written in and didn't do much for me as the end of the album.

rating: 1.5 out of 5
---

*picture credits to divine ayu, jpopmusic forum, and eneabba.net/ayu.